


The First Breakdown

by RiriPandaHeart



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Confrontation, Established Relationship, Fluff, Law School, M/M, Oneshot, lawstudent!Dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-09
Updated: 2017-02-09
Packaged: 2018-09-23 03:17:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9638603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RiriPandaHeart/pseuds/RiriPandaHeart
Summary: As Dan starts feeling overwhelmed because of law school, he experiences his first breakdown. He does what he does best: finding a means to escape, which just so happens to be Phil. Phil unfortunately discovers the truth, and an inevitable confrontation ensues. It leads to them discovering things about themselves and about each other that they have never owned up to before. However, will this bring them closer together or will this tear them apart?A slice of Dan and Phil's life based on real-life events of a law student who didn't go to class but wrote this fanfiction instead. True story.





	

It starts with him realizing that he has reread the same paragraph a couple of times without taking in anything that it said. He has been mechanically reading for the past few hours, it’s no wonder his brain feels like it’s melted under the workload. With a heavy sigh of frustration he starts to reread the paragraph again, hoping against hope that this time around his uncooperative brain finally gets through whatever despondent mood it’s in and starts understanding the words that seem so disjointed right now. 

It takes him almost starting the next paragraph to realize that not a single word or meaning from that godforsaken paragraph has permeated his apparently rebelling brain. Desperate times calls for desperate measure, so he starts muttering the words to himself, willing his brain to focus on the words that seem to resist his comprehension:

“Considered in the light of the foregoing norms and in the context of circumstances prevailing in the inter-island shipping industry in the country today, we find and hold that Condition No. 14 printed at the back of the passage tickets…”

He trails off with a heavy sigh, acknowledging that even using two of his senses did not help him in the slightest to focus on the readings before him, a trick that had gotten him through high school, but was apparently useless here in university. He gathers the papers littering his table and carelessly pushes them into a haphazard pile on the right side of his table. He then puts his head on the now-cleared space, closing his eyes, and finally allowing himself to fully feel the anxiety that he was trying to keep at bay for the past few hours now. 

“What the hell am I doing here?”, he mutters to himself, a habit long developed in childhood due to his early mistrust of others and a belief that he himself was his best confidante. “Why the hell did I take up Law? It doesn’t interest me at all. And it’s needlessly hard!. This is what you get for trying to seem clever and biting off more than you can apparently chew!” 

He feels the urge to knock his head hard into the table, a part of him desiring to make physical the inner turmoil he feels by manifesting itself into a physical pain that his addled mind and heart would surely understand better because of its tangibility, rather than just plainly experiencing the usual tangled mess of thoughts, feelings, and anxiety that has been consuming him daily since he stepped into the allegedly hallowed halls of his university. But he stops himself, knowing that even if the act might partially gratify whatever part of him was twisted enough to go seeking for pain, in actuality going through with it will just leave him with a terrible headache and a bruise that he’ll be nervously explaining to everyone he sees for the next few days.

Instead, he shuts his eyes even further, willing his mind to be silent and give himself respite even just for a little while. Of course now that it doesn’t have to understand the complexities of liability through torts, it’s actively playing a montage of scenes from his past that unwittingly play inside his head whenever he’s not preoccupied: his parents berating him for being lazy while holding up a card that had a few C’s that would apparently warrant him being unsuccessful in life, his ex-girlfriend supposedly comforting him after a massive fight with his parents while telling him he could have done better because he was apparently very intelligent but was just not trying hard enough in his academics, his father with undisguised surprise littering his features as Dan informed him that against all odds he had somehow gotten an internship in a big law firm in London, his boss’ face filled with disappointment when apparently Dan had missed quite a few important provisions in the draft affidavit he was assigned to make, their living room with his mom’s voice in the background bragging to his dad’s cousin once removed (or something like that) that Dan had gotten an unconditional offer from the University of Manchester for their Law Program, and lastly, Phil’s face brimming with happiness as Dan informs him of his upcoming move to Manchester. 

A lot of negative notions he had to counter, mixed in with a lot of expectations that he had to meet, just resulted to him constantly feeling like a heavy weight was settled on his shoulders that he never quite knew how to get rid of. 

He groaned aloud, trying to at least alleviate the pressure he was feeling, acknowledging that in reality, it’s really the only thing he can do in this situation. True enough, he still had 10 hours before his next lecture, but could he really read 20 cases in the originals before then? Factoring in the fact that he still had to read 3 chapters of the book, and memorize at least 20 provisions, could he really face his Torts professor tomorrow and at least be able to thresh out an acceptable answer? There’s also the fact that recitations are basically the luck of the draw. True, he could go to his classes and get through the day safely even having absolutely read nothing if by some lucky chance he doesn’t get called. On the other hand, his professor’s hand might gravitate towards his card, thereby putting himself in a situation where he would stand up amidst a sea of least 50 other people, and either give a worthless, unreasonable answer, or just say the humiliating “pass” and see the judgment in the eyes of his professor and hear the almost undisguised snickering of his classmates. Would he really allow himself to be subjected to such humiliation that he had faced time and time but still hadn’t gotten used to? The teacher almost certainly thought him incompetent and lazy, Dan will just prove him right if he shows up tomorrow. Also, he hadn’t studied anything for his Conflicts of Laws class that was right after his Torts one, and that’s another possible avenue of humiliation and judgment, supposedly lasting only for 2 hours, when really, the seconds drag by so slow that it feels like 5 hours had gone by. 

“No, I won’t go”, he announces to the silent room, his words echoing back to him sounding defiant and surer than all the platitudes he usually mutters to himself to get through his daily grind of books, jurisprudence, and journals.

A ding from his cellphone interrupts his thinking, his eyes flying open at the sound. His hand gropes around the unruly paper pile instinctively knowing that his phone is buried somewhere underneath the papers, stopping only when he clasps the cool metal case securely in his hand. 

He brings it near his eyes, tilting it sideways, aligning it with his head that has still not left the wooden table since he set it down, the light from his phone almost blinding him as his eyes adjusted to the sudden onslaught of light flooding them. 

A message from Phil. It’s not unexpected but still quite welcome. Phil never quite breaks his endearing habit of sending Dan encouraging texts throughout the day. Dan has never really told Phil directly about how hard he found university or how going to his classes makes him feel like puking every single day, but Dan felt that somehow Phil knew, hence the daily encouragements through texts. 

The message finally loads and Dan silently reads it: “Good luck for tomorrow’s lectures! Text me when you’re done. We can hang out in my place if you want to. Buffy or Mario or sleep? Your pick. Good luck bear!” with a kiss and a hug emoji following the words, the classic ending to a Phil Lester text.

Dan texts back a “thanks!”, abruptly setting his phone down at the table as soon as he saw that the reply had been sent, guilt flooding through him as he purposely stands up and turns his back away from the object that somehow now represented the expectations and trust he will surely break when he does not turn up to his classes tomorrow.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
The sun awakens Dan when it constantly streams through his window, signaling the start of a new day for the rest of the world, but indicating a day of pretense for Dan. He was quite decided on skipping out on his classes, promising to himself to just catch up on the lessons he would miss, a big part of him knowing that he would not actually do so. 

His phone rings as he returns from his abrupt shower, luring Dan’s attention to it, prompting the return of the guilt he had successfully forgotten during his sleep. It was Phil, of course it was Phil, sending a message of good morning and good luck that was usually welcomed but now felt like a reminder of how incompetent he was for failing to even just find the motivation to go to his classes. 

Chewing his lips, he types back a reply, guilt and anxiety perfectly expressed in his features as his thumb uncertainly hovers over the send button. His eyes then flicker to the unruly stack in his table, and with renewed resolve, he purposefully presses send, tossing his phone carelessly towards his bed, seemingly uncaring as to where it lands or whether his message was sent, turning his back to it as he heads to his closet to start dressing himself.

The phone lands with a soft thud, miraculously still unharmed and functional despite the abuse Dan has put it through the past few years. It beeps , signaling that Dan’s reply has been sent. The screen refreshes. It then displays: “Class has been cancelled. Going to your place in a few. Can’t wait. ”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
“It’s a harmless lie. Phil will never know. I just need a distraction from all the school work. And then tomorrow I’ll get right back to it.”, Dan mutters to himself as he walks the familiar path to Phil’s new apartment. He would have continued voicing out his internal monologue when he unexpectedly catches the eye of a girl who then looks weirdly at him. 

Avoiding her eyes, Dan quickens his pace, his anxious monologue replaced by him focusing on darting his eyes left and right in search of anyone who possibly knows him.  
Heaving a sigh of relief, he finally sees the red door that he has recently come to associate with the warmth and enjoyment he usually feels when he’s alongside Phil. With a smile tugging at his lips, he climbs the numerous steps to Phil’s apartment, admittedly a little out of breath when he reaches the fourth floor. 

He doesn’t knock, he doesn’t have a need to. Phil has given him his own key to the apartment the day that Phil moved. Dan has been able to enter any time he wanted, which, since he’s lived in Manchester, was almost a daily occurrence, what with his constant need to escape the miserable existence of a law student and lose himself in games, movies, fun, banter, and a wonderful companionship that always Phil provided him. Phil usually teased him that Dan was so frequently at his place, Phil’s neighbors thought he lived there anyway. 

Dan opens the door to the sound of Phil’s cursing flooding the entire apartment. Despite the unconventional welcome, Dan feels light for the first time in a while, a smile fully forming on his face. He closes the door behind him, while carelessly tossing his bag on Phil’s sofa, and sets off to find the man of the house, following the pained sounds Phil made.

His quest directs him to the kitchen where he sees Phil standing near a faucet, his left hand under a steady stream of water. A wooden spoon and splotches of red sauce on the floor ruins the otherwise perfectly clean kitchen, clue-ing Dan in to what could have happened. 

“What if I had brought a baby along and it heard you say those words? Then the first word it’ll learn would be FUCK, and when it grows up it’ll be a hardened criminal who murders thousands of people for profit and is rumored to have absolutely no conscience at all. Those deaths would have been your fault Phil!”, Dan says snarkily as he approaches Phil, finishing his sarcastic hello with multiple pokes at Phil’s sides upon reaching him. 

Phil had already turned his head at the sound of Dan’s voice, a smile automatically gracing his features as he watched the younger boy approach him. His smile grows wider when he retaliates Dan’s pokes with his a few of his own, clearly disadvantaged by the fact that he had the use of only one hand at his disposal, the other still being barraged by a constant stream of water that soothed the blister that was now starting to form.

“Make yourself useful and clean up the kitchen my butler,” Phil says in a snooty voice, causing the other boy to shake his head and giggle fondly at him. When Dan doesn’t immediately comply, Phil removes his hand from underneath the faucet and sprays Dan with the water remaining in his hand, while Dan tries to avoid the onslaught of droplets from Phil’s hand that in reality would not have been sufficient to get him wet any way, surprisingly still able to grab a piece of rag lying near the counter while doing so. 

“My master is a slave driver and a criminal maker. What ever did I do to deserve this life?” Dan says in a voice that replicates the snootiness in Phil’s earlier tone, causing the older boy to snort derisively at Dan. 

Dan picks up the fallen wooden spoon and had just started to determinedly wipe the dirtied floor, when Phil says in a joking manner: “But then I’ll have you as my lawyer if the Government does find out my misdeeds. Of course it’ll be your duty to ensure I’m never locked up. That’s why I’m keeping you under my employ and giving you your basic needs. That has been my evil plan all along. ”

Dan’s movement stills upon hearing Phil’s words, feeling guilt flooding through his entire being yet again. Oh right, he was supposed to go to his Law classes so that he could get a Law degree, and acquire enough knowledge to hopefully pass the Bar examination. Dan knew Phil was just joking and that this was just part of their roleplay-like banter, and that Phil would still want him around if Dan had not been a prospective lawyer, but it didn’t stop his mind from showing him an imagined scenario of Phil leaving him as Dan cries over his examinations which were all stamped with big red FAILs across the papers. 

Shaking his head at the admittedly implausible scenario, Dan berates himself for even thinking such thoughts. Hell, Phil met Dan when the latter was just a normal boy on his gap year who still had no clue what he’d end up taking up in university for Pete’s sake. But this conversation did remind him of the pretense that he was currently under, and could not quite meet Phil’s eyes as he weakly replies: “Well then, I’ll do the nation a service and refrain from becoming a lawyer”. 

Phil looks at Dan at the abrupt change in the latter’s tone, sensing that something was not quite right with the younger boy. 

“Dan, what’s - ” but before Phil could finish the thought, he sees Dan sprint towards the cooker, hastily turning the knobs causing the fire underneath the cooking pan to go completely off. 

“Phil the sauce nearly boiled over! Pay attention!” Dan says in a panicked voice while frantically pointing at the dish he had just rescued. 

Phil then mutters a “sorry” while getting a container big enough to pour the sauce into. He knew that the moment had passed and Dan would most likely not answer him if he now pressed Dan for answers. Hoping that a still palatable food and a few rounds of Mario Kart might rid Dan of whatever problem he seems to have, Phil now faces Dan and helps him rescue their meal, actively repressing the worry that had started to form in his mind.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
A plateful of spaghetti (accompanied with tasteless jokes about them being characters from Lady and the Tramp) and a few hours of shrieking due to competitive rounds of Mario Kart (which Dan won, stroking his already oversized ego when it comes to games), Dan felt infinitely better than he had when he woke up today. Although he was still feeling guilty about having lied to Phil, he justifies it all in his head by telling himself that it was a much-needed break from work, and reiterating his doomed promise to just catch up on his readings when he goes back to his dormitory. 

Returning from a pee break , Dan was about to suggest that he and Phil play Donkey Kong instead when he finds Phil on the phone to someone, a grim expression on his usually smiling face, the serious tone of the conversation reflected by how deeply his brows were furrowed. Upon meeting Phil’s furious eyes, Dan was able to immediately piece together what was happening, and quickly tried to arrange his features in a hopefully neutral manner that shouldn’t betray the sudden hammering of his heartbeat and the choking feeling in his throat that was making it suddenly harder for him to breathe. 

Dan goes to sit at the other end of Phil’s couch, as far from Phil as humanly possible without him manifesting his sudden desire to be as physically distant from Phil as he could be. He tries to gulp little breaths of air to clear his head and calm him down, while still trying to give off a nonchalant demeanor, when in reality, dread and anxiety has rendered him almost immobile, his entire being acknowledging the confrontation that would eventually follow with the end of Phil’s call. 

Words like “Yeah, he’s here” and “Oh really?” and “I didn’t know” and “I’ll talk to him” litter Phil’s conversation, each of Phil’s reply worsening the hollow feeling in Dan’s stomach, and adding to Dan’s fear of the conflict that was about to come. The dreaded “goodbye” finally uttered, Dan then finds himself the sole focus of Phil’s unblinking stare, which was something that would usually have made him happy, but was now something that made his insides curl in trepidation.

“That was Dennis”, Phil said as he continued to stare at Dan, with a calm voice that just made the storm that would ensue more dangerous. Phil was hard to anger and easy to placate, causing Dan to feel like the worst person in the world every time he got Phil mad at him. 

“I figured”, Dan muttered, looking everywhere but Phil, instinctively grabbing the pillow nearest to him, and putting it near his chest, as though it could be used as a shield from the accusations that he felt Phil would soon hurl at him. 

“He said that you had classes today, and that you were absent. He said your teacher called on your name, and since you weren’t there, you got a failing grade for that recitation. He said that he was worried because this has been the third time this month that you’ve just not went to class without any explanation”, Phil’s voice grew louder with every sentence, causing Dan to wince. “What the hell is going Dan? Why did you lie to me about today?”, Phil almost shouted, his voice breaking , probably because of the intensity of the emotions coursing through him at that moment. 

“I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to go today. I couldn’t study last night and I - ” Dan said as the fear of Phil’s anger finally gave him the courage to look at Phil’s eyes. Unfortunately for him, what he saw there was barely restrained fury, causing Dan’s defense mechanisms to kick in and his own anger to permeate his being. 

Dan flings the pillow he was clutching on his chest across the room, not caring what he hits or where it lands. His anger blinding him until he found himself already stood up and shouting at Phil: “How dare you get angry at me? You don’t even understand what I’m going through! I didn’t want to go to classes today, big deal. What has that got to do with you?!? You would never understand what it’s like to be a constant failure. You with your two degrees , and your emotional maturity, and whatever quality you have that allowed you to get through university that I apparently lack. Whatever! I concede, you’re better than me. You’re better than me! Is that what you wanted to hear? There you got your wish and I-”

Dan’s tirade gets cut short when he finds himself engulfed in Phil’s arms. Whatever strength he got from his anger dissolves in the aftermath, and he feels himself suddenly feeling weak, needing to lean unto Phil for support to stay upright, desperately clutching at him as tears begin to cascade down his face and unto Phil’s shoulders. Phil starts making soothing noises as he rubs Dan’s back, feeling helpless against Dan’s tears. 

Dan feels both shame and relief fighting over his body. He was ashamed for lashing out at Phil, and for allowing the latter to see him be this vulnerable. He also felt relief for finally saying what was on his mind, even if it was just an inarticulate fraction of what he constantly thought about. The relief won, and along with it his desire to finally let everything out grew stronger until he just found himself babbling out almost incoherently words that served as his confession as to how much he hated Law, how unsure he was of the path he was going to take in life, how he felt like a constant failure because he never met anyone’s expectations, how he felt like he needed to prove his worth to his parents who he thinks had always looked down at him, how he was constantly caving under the pressure imposed by other people and even himself, how his need to be perceived as intelligent and successful were his only motivation to get through his daily grind; basically just laying out what made him unhappy with his life in general. 

Minutes of silence passed before Dan realized that he himself had already stopped talking. In his entire life, he had never felt more raw and exposed than now, not even when he had confessed his attraction to Phil, nor when they first met, nor when they shared their first kiss; not even when they first made love. He experienced both of the conflicting feelings of being overwhelmed yet being hollow and emptied out at the same time. 

When the tears had stopped, he slowly disentangled himself from Phil, putting a little distance between them so he could finally meet the latter’s eyes. Phil meets his stare headlong, a little smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. 

“I’m sorry”, Dan says as sincerely as he could, almost buckling under the fondness and love he sees in Phil’s eyes. 

Phil shakes his head as he brings a hand to Dan’s cheeks, absent-mindedly tracing the tear tracks that were still visible on the latter’s face. “You have nothing to be sorry about”, Phil almost whispers. 

“I don’t?”Dan asks, incredulity filling his voice. 

“You don’t”, Phil says as he tugs Dan to sit beside him, guiding them both into a position where Dan could put his head on Phil’s shoulder. Dan goes along with Phil’s plan willingly, finding the most comfortable position he could, and finally laying his head on Phil’s already tear-stained shoulder. 

A comfortable silence settles between them as they sit side-by-side on the tiled floor, their backs to Phil’s sofa, their eyes looking straight ahead.

Phil then abruptly starts talking, his words running over in his haste to convey what he was feeling: “I’m sorry for not realizing how bad things were already. I knew you were unhappy, but I never quite knew the extent of it. I didn’t really have the courage to ask you about what you were feeling. I felt like maybe if I pressed you too hard, you’ll get mad at me and avoid me. I guess I thought that since you were still able to smile and laugh whenever we were together, it was enough to counter whatever sadness you felt. Now I see that not discussing a problem doesn’t make it go away. Me not acknowledging it just made things worse. So I guess, what I’m trying to say is that, from now on, I’ll do my best to not just ignore our problems but to face it and solve it, hopefully together with you.”

Phil pauses for a bit, unsure of what to say giving Dan the opportunity to say: “You’re right though. I promise to do that too. My unwillingness to talk about my feelings did contribute to this…. breakdown, is the right term I guess. I promise to not keep things from you from now on and to try to talk things out rather than keeping them to myself”.

Phil’s hands still as Dan finishes, his word quivering a bit as he replies: “Did you feel like you couldn’t trust me? Is that why you felt like you had to lie to me? Because if ever I did anything to make you feel like I won’t listen, then I’m here to assure you that I will always do Dan. I’m sorry. It’s why I got mad earlier. I was hurt because you lied to me, but now I’m wondering if I did something that prompted you to do that - ”

Phil gets cut off as Dan hastily straightens himself up and turns to Phil panic evident in his voice as he says: “No Phil. You didn’t do anything wrong. I guess you might have felt that way after what I shouted at you earlier. It isn’t that I mistrust you or anything like that. You’re actually the person who knows me best. It’s just that I didn’t want to burden you with my problems. ”

“You can always come to me with your problems Dan”, Phil says as he takes Dan’s hand to his own. “Your problem is my problem. That’s how a relationships works, so please don’t hesitate to come to me for anything.”. 

“I guess I was afraid that you’d feel overwhelmed and leave me”, Dan admits in a low voice as he looks down, feeling more vulnerable than he previously had. 

“I won’t Dan”, says Phil , his heart breaking a little at Dan’s admission. He then touches Dan’s chin, lifting it up so that they could see eye-to-eye. “I promise I won’t”, Phil repeats before leaving a chaste kiss on Dan’s lips. 

“We’ll work through things together, okay?”, Phil says as he pulls away, still not letting go of Dan’s hand as he does so. 

Dan smiles, nodding along to show his assent. He fixates his gaze on their intertwined hands as he asks: “Since we’re having this discussion now, what’s your honest opinion about me and my law degree? What do you think I should do? Should I continue or just drop out?”

Phil stays silent for a few moments, clearly mulling over his thoughts. “To be honest, I also don’t know the right decision here. Of course if you’re really unhappy with Law, then I’d want for you to change courses or drop out completely. But I do know you well enough to know that if you do drop out in the middle of the semester, you’ll take it as a sign of weakness against yourself, and you’ll end up hating yourself. God knows I don’t want you to do that. It hurts me every time you belittle yourself, but I’d be a hypocrite if I ask you to stop that because I do it too. I guess the reason why fate decided to pair us up is because our low-self esteems are compatible.” Phil chuckles, while looking at Dan hoping that his questionable little joke might alleviate the seriousness of the conversation that they were currently having. Dan smiles a little bit, which Phil deems as a victory, giving him the boost to continue. 

“So I guess, my advice would be to finish this semester at least, and if you really can’t see yourself as a lawyer at that time, then drop out. Either way, I’ll support you whatever your decision may be.” Phil finishes, hoping that somehow his words might get through to Dan.

Dan nods along as Phil speaks, seemingly agreeing with him: “You do know me well and I do agree that it’s the best thing to do. At least if I persevere until the end of the semester, nobody can say I didn’t at least try, could they? But do you think it would be enough for them?”

Even if Dan didn’t specify who “they” were, Phil could hazard a guess and know that he’d be right. He knew Dan’s parents weren’t bad people per se; they were actually very nice and accommodating to both Dan and him, and readily supported their fledging relationship. They just weren’t the type of parents that Dan could open up to while growing up, so Dan learned to keep things to himself and work through his own problems. And although it was obvious that the reason that they pressured Dan to succeed was because they saw potential in him, they went about it in the wrong way, being pushy and pressuring instead of supportive and nurturing. His upbringing did strengthen Dan in some ways, but it also did negatively affect his view of his own self-worth. 

Knowing that this worried Dan the most, Phil said in hopefully soothing manner: “It doesn’t matter what others think. The only opinion that matters is yours Dan because it’s your life, and it’s your right to live it in the way that will bring you happiness”.

“But if I do drop out, I won’t allow myself to ask my parents for money. It’s not that they won’t help, but, I mean, I’m of legal age already, the least I could do is try to find a job, but what if I can’t find one Phil?” says Dan worryingly, still not assuaged despite Phil’s reassurances. 

“Well, we do have Youtube.”, Phil replies, his voice wavering a little bit, acknowledging that his proposition was not really a strong one to begin with. 

“We both know that a Youtube career is unstable at best. What would we do if our channels flop and whatever support we currently have dies down?”, Dan says softly, the line between his eyebrows further creasing. 

“I guess the only thing we could do is to just try and try to look for jobs, however menial; scrap what we have together and hope to God it will get us by through life. I know it sounds idealistic and naively optimistic, but we’ll deal with it when the time comes. I guess we’ll just have to be smart in how we handle whatever money we do have now, save a lot, and avoid any unnecessary expenses. The important thing is that, come what may, I’ll be here for you Dan, that’s the only thing I can tell you that’s a certainty.” says Phil, his voice brimming with sincerity. 

Dan was floored by what Phil said, Phil’s sincerity finally fully getting through to him. He feels the tears start to form behind his eyes, threatening to spill over any time. Trying to distract himself from crying, instead of saying something sincere and heartfelt, Dan just quips : “Even if it means you become my sugar daddy?” in a sickeningly sweet voice. The tension that surrounded both of them from the start of the confrontation completely breaks as both Dan and Phil succumbed to laughter. 

“Even then.”, Phil says, his eyes twinkling, his tone only half-joking. 

“That has reassured me in ways that nothing else ever could", Dan says, his eyes crinkled and filled with laughter. "Just kidding. Seriously though, I’m okay now, I guess. Thanks Phil”, Dan says as he kisses Phil on the cheek, letting his simple act convey what he could not readily say through words. 

“You’re welcome”, says Phil as he stands up, trying to shake away the numbness that had settled in his legs due to his prolonged stay on the floor. He then offers his hand out to Dan who was still sat down while simply asking, “Buffy?”

“Buffy”, Dan smiles as he grabs Phil’s proffered hand, what was now to him a symbol that, come what may, Phil will always be there to help him up whenever he’s down. 

The two then sat at Phil’s sofa, the distance that separated them not even an hour ago all but obliterated now as they both stared distractedly at the television, reveling in the serenity and warmth they gave to each other. Sure Dan has his law books, jurisprudence, and journals to go back to tomorrow, but for now, with Phil by his side, things don’t seem as bleak as they usually do.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: To be honest, I made this fanfic to express what I was feeling about law school. Unlike Dan who was young and still had the world at his feet, I'm 24, a supposed adult, doing 3rd year of law school (in my country, Law is a postgraduate course that takes up 4 years), and still very much unsure about whether I want to become a lawyer or not. One day, I felt so overwhelmed that I decided to cut classes and write this fanfiction instead. Hopefully, if someone is feeling a little bit lost too, this fic could help you see that you're not alone and that somebody understands what you're going through. You can talk to me anytime or reach me on my Tumblr: imissrupertgrint@tumblr.com. It'll be nice to talk to people. :)
> 
> A/N2: Sorry if I keep editing this. It was unbeta-d and was a result of me just typing everything that was in my head until I was so tired that I just wanted it to be posted and didn't really thoroughly check it before clicking "Post". So whenever I catch a grammatical error, or think of a way that I could have phrased something better, I can't help but edit it again. :P


End file.
